dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
