It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
