My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
