The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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