As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
