youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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