how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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