Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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