I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
