I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
