where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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