You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
