it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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