i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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