they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
