I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
