My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
