As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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