Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
