I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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