Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
