There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
