Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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