I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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