I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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