I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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