he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
