i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
