Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
