I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
