dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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