Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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