so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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