I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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