fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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