I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
