i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
