I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
