Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
