He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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