Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
