she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
