She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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