A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
