No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
