i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
