Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
