shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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