If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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