I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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