You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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