Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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