Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
