I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
