I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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