I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
