batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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