Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
