a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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