I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
